I write to you again, my most dear and appreciated under worker. It seems that you have taken heed of my advice in our great new war upon those vile underlings of the Enemy. This battle we find ourselves in is nothing new, we parade on the feelings of man making them believe they are doing charitable things in the name of love and compassion, while all the time they are forgetting the real conditions plaguing humanity. This time, remarkably, we have convinced them they are fighting the “real enemy.”
You would think this new “Woke War” would have never gripped the minds and souls of the evangelical church. The Enemy has done so much in the past several decades to combat such a strategic move. Remember, the Enemy taught them to evaluate arguments and think about worldviews as the way to protect their minds from our devilish doctrines (i.e., Marxism, Postmodernism, and Egalitarianism), which we have taught through our twentieth century lecterns—Universities, Television, and Activism. The Enemy really took us by surprise when He sent those pesky prophets of the past century, C.S. Lewis and Francis Schaeffer, who captured the minds of men and women teaching them that ideas have consequences, and even worse, they have origins too. We had to scramble and pick ourselves up quickly, we had to develop new arguments in order to battle the Church and keep her in our grips. Most importantly, we must now teach them that these ideas come from white men. That way, whenever one breaks loose from our shadow-lands, we can convince them that way of thinking is toxic and oppressive, and they will forever again be afraid to escape from our clutches.
For the past century, we have done a wonderful job reorienting the nature of worshiping the Enemy and true piety. Twentieth-first century man has been accustomed, ever since he was a child, to have an over stimulation of theatrical devices and childish programs in order to keep him from studying doctrine as “true” and “orthodox”, or as embracing discipleship as “difficult” and “bearing one’s own cross.” Rather, we have taught them through the means of jargon, youth groups, and conferences—and oh, don’t forget our two revelatory prophets: Twitter and Facebook, our social media means to exchange the birthright of true Christian charity for the porridge of sappy sentimental virtue signaling and worship of our new Anti-Christ, Social Justice—to believe one loves God not through the use of their mind, but emotionalism; since as we all know—that doesn’t require a knowledge of the Bible, history, or an embrace of the real Logos (or Logic, Jesus Christ in the flesh). Even better than that, we have convinced them that it is better to love their neighbor who is unseen rather than the ones who live in their neighborhoods and communities. You know who I am talking about, as the prince of the power of the air we have been able to photograph people fleeing “oppression” (or at least we can angle the camera in such a way so as to convince you it is oppression), all while forgetting about that ugly neighbor Joe who lives a lost and lonely life, or better yet, the child being ripped apart limb by limb at that office so proud to display a sign that combines those two odd words, “Planned” and “Parenthood.”
My time is running short today, so I better leave you two tasks that must be taken care of quickly. First, we need to continue our efforts to remove the next generation by using emotional pleas to convince people that quality of life is on par with actual life. Please contact our dear friends Merriam and Webster, have them change the definition of “pro-life” to include things such as immigration, racial justice, and food distribution programs. Quickly, very quickly, will you please scrub all books and letters from previous generations in this regard, so no one will notice our change in definitions. If you are having trouble with this removal task, please contact Hillary Clinton, for she is very good at scrubbing emails and helping in our efforts to overtake the next generation and downsize their army. Second, do you remember how we used to use power structures in the Church to condemn and do away with pesky saints of old? If we could just convince some of those in leadership that they were infallible, and to pass councils and decrees to justify their new views, and to keep up with the new traditions, then we could easily do away with that old stuffy biblical concept of truth and those pesky faithful saints. You have succeeded very well in this regard in our present generation. First of all, you have done this by convincing people that true Church authority resides in electing new ecclesiastical presidents and executive committees, rather than focusing on the really dangerous group—those biblically faithful local congregations. This has made our denominations and figures function like a business with CEO models. All the while, we can train people to run for success and forget to ask the question, “What is the purpose of the Church on this earth?” (especially local churches). Keep them as slaves of constant activism, and that this is the essence of fulfilling their ecclesiastical task. Second, I am still amazed at your wonderful Houdini act that you pulled last year, where you convinced a group of people that ideologies are mere tools. This allows us to control their thinking and the way they view and read the Book. We can easily convince them to think our thoughts after us, and better yet, if they don’t—we can use the means of our two prophets to convince the watching world they are racists, one of our seven deadly social justice sins. Now, please do me this one favor, do not let the world believe they are actual racists according to any traditional definition of the word, only supposed racists. Do this by means of guilt and social manipulation. Tell them if they disagree with our tools, they are racists, that way, regardless of what they do or believe we can convince our followers they are racists.
Are you beginning to see the point? Thanks to this process which we have set at work for centuries we are able to undo very quickly the strides of the Enemy through His prophets and His vile Book. They are just like those pesky prophets of old, so let’s do to them like the ones of old, either persecute them or cause the people to forget them by not reading their writings. Let us remain faithful and keep looking to our intellectual priests: sociologists and psychologists, to diagnose the true sins of society. Please continue to medicalize vices, sensationalize any defense of truth, and fanaticize all our opponents. The plan is working, keep up the good work.
Your affectionate uncle,
P.S. I recently spoke with Socrates, you know that vile sage of old who keeps asking those pesky questions. I wish we were able to annihilate him for corrupting the youth, but as we know, one cannot destroy truth, courage, or virtue. Socrates said that he recently ran into one our men, our true boots on the ground, our SJWs, and found their definition of “justice” woefully inadequate. So, before Socrates gets to them, I want you to beef up your efforts with the masses. Continue to convince people the proper meaning of justice is equity, and that injustice is receiving your due. Moreover, convince them they are responsible for all the sins of their fathers, especially the ones found on our seven deadly social justice sins list.